Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Dreamworks Animation Has Struck Out

Given all the hype for Inside Out (Bing Bong, you may be the most noble character in any Disney film) deservedly cropping up every which way, it makes me think of what Pixar's rivals are doing to catch up. What's Dreamworks, the biggest rival to Pixar doing?...


Dreamworks goes back to their most popularized period of the mid-to-late 2000s with their recent non-sequel work, Turbo and Home. While prior films, like The Croods and Rise of the Guardians, showed a more dramatic, heartfelt, and touching side to their plots, feeling more "family" than "children only", Turbo and Home (along with The Penguins of Madagascar) step right back into kiddie crap. I luckily never saw Turbo, but I did go out to Home because I had nothing else to do. The movie was... kiddish.

Slapstick violence, goofy jokes, and little substance make sure this film feel like it was made in 2005. The worst moment was Oh's "sacrifice" at the end. We had seen Oh being flattened before and surviving, and I think even the girl saw Oh get crushed and live. So why the sad music and the weepy faces when he gets crushed under the treads? Was the implication that he was going to be trapped forever? There was no dramatic gravitas to this sudden scene from a silly movie that breaks the film's logic (It didn't stop that one death in Jurassic World).

The humor was similarly simple and juvenile. Even the plot began dumbly, with Oh, a weird, party-loving Boov, sending a message to everyone possible. This lures in the Gorg, the thing the cowardly Boov are terrified of. This Gorg is searching for his eggs, which were stolen by the Boov captain. He inhabits a large suit of armor ala Krang to hide his lonesome shame as he hunts the Boov. Oh meets a displaced human girl and helps her build a vehicle to try to track down the Boov base and get the memo and the whereabouts of her mother. They find she's in Australia and go there. Then the Gorg arrive and Oh steals and delivers the eggs. Capatin Smek is then overthrown for cowardice.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Sing... "Zootoing"

This year will likely be another 2013 for animated film. We opened with "Norm of the North", a horrible film that wouldn't be out of place as a weird Netflix movie. Though "Zootopia" rocked our world and "Kung Fu Panda 3" had me wanting more, the rest of the year's films seem like a lowly bunch. While both "Moana" and "Sausage Party" merit individual posts down the line, the rest are utterly rancid and can be covered nicely here.

Sing! and The Secret Life of Pets

"Sing" is what this post was made for. The first thing I noticed is that it is strikingly similar to Zootopia but blatantly inferior. For one thing, there's the character design. The mouse and the koala look like they are either modified bobble-heads or have a severe case of hydrocephaly. Derp Iguana is Derp Iguana. And minor characters seem to be even worse, especially those tweaking rabbits and the fat sheep with huge jaws. 

Most characters look really bland, as if they came out of "Over the Hedge". While not as grotesque as "Norm of the North", the characters are not interesting. There does not seem to be internal logic to the film's universe, unlike Zootopia. Why are there anthropomorphic snails in this movie? Zootopia's world seems to be limited to terrestrial vertebrates as intelligent beings, with Zootopia alone only having mammals. A strong emphasis on predator-prey relationships is what gives the film its message. This is just designed to sell albums of old music. Rapping Buffalo is still best CGI crap.

Meanwhile, the Secret Life of Pets looks like a horrible "Toy Story" ripoff with no potential whatsoever. The first trailer already showcased the funniest jokes, and the second killed what little potential it may have had. The pets just make normal animal sounds when heard by humans and this is used mainly for translation barrier gags, just like in Madagascar, Over the Hedge, Open Season, Space Chimps (just Chimps and the aliens), Bolt, Rio, Free Birds, and likely a bunch of others, as opposed to having them hide the ability to speak. Tired jokes, tired plot, lackluster character design, random celebrity voices, yards yadda yadda. At least this doesn't look "Lorax"-caliber awful. (Edit: the film was average)

The Lorax was a killer turd because it was based on a book that was great. It served as a grand finale for the NC (his later crap might as well come before it). This? It's just a theatrical Ratatoing.


Go and eat a grenade, Dreamworks Animation. Your only good works now are sequels. "Rise of the Guardians" was your apex, admit it. Please, return to the adult tone of "The Prince of Egypt" and "Antz/Ant Z" after this shit. 

Trolls looks as utterly stupid as "Home" and "Turbo", if not more so. They bought the Trolls from Dam to make this. We see that Trolls are eaten by much larger, ghastlier trolls, and there is a princess.  You can make a good Trolls movie, as the TV shows give some great ideas.

I for one, would use this as a jumping-off point

All I can tell from the trailer is that it is typical mid-2010s Dreamworks slop, a gutless, childish production. Dreamworks animation said they made films for adults when they were making their infamous pop-culture reference driven movies. Damn! Dreamworks should have continued their way up after Rise of the Guardians (I'd accept Croods as a breather movie) until they were their old 90s self, rather than alternating between kid-pandering and sequels. Now you have Illumination to compete with. If you don't go back to edgy, Comcast will kill you. 

That's right, Comcast. Maybe they'll now not be able to make anything of worth. Comcast is an evil company that will leave nought but bones of the unprofitable. Bland trashy designs are worse than the deliberately ugly edgy design you were founded on. Contrast the unique, iconic, gnarly, repugnant old Digimon to the overdesigned, cluttered, bland new ones:

Fanmade "Bouncymon" Digimon by AwkwardKlutz

in contrast to

Yes, this is a real Digimon

The Wild Life

How does one fuck up Gulliver's Travels?


Rachet and Clank

Too kiddy for fans, too odd for mainstream audiences.  

In summary, what a shitty bunch this year has!

Saturday, October 22, 2016



Die a firey death!

From the latest movies to those slightly before them, it is clear you guys are fucking toast and have yet to fucking admit it. The only good films from them anymore are from their big franchises, such as Kung Fu Panda. You had such a good fucking head with Rise of the Guardians, but you had to take several dumps on yourselves with Turbo. From there, you slid down with shit like Home. Now look at this shit dumpster of films you've made.

As rancid as the 2000s films were, at least they were distinctive. They were edgy in every sense of the word. Pop-culture jokes, toilet humor, deliberately ugly design, adult themes, subversiveness... But these lumps of shit? Gormless, identical total fucking copies of what every other fucking animation studio is doing. Fuck these films!

Unless you make a mature animated film and go back to your old ways, I AM DONE!

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Action Henk Boom

I bet that if Sticks had some ugly design, people would realize how annoying she was and they would hate her.


True words. Without Sticks's design (and Perci's) (making her a "blank slate Mobian" instead of an "NPC"), Boom would be an unsalvageable wreck of a show. Action Henk goes on the same principle. Henk is... okay, I guess, but the other characters are TERRIFYING. Every player on YouTube knows Betsy is SCARY AS FUCK. Maybe this is the reason why RageSquid's game is now dying.

But, RageSquid are trying to keep the game alive with professional events. This does not matter, as RageSquid is a bad company. They have no focus, no devotion. Action Henk is little different from their browser games, and the bad luck of the release of GalaxyTrail's hit Freedom Planet was the final nail. But RageSquid is only an indie developer, who have only done game jams before for the most part. SEGA are a corporation. Hence, they have more ammo to support Sonic Boom, a miserable, wretched franchise with a miserable, wretched fanbase.

The creator's own vanity does not help. Above, we see Bill Freiberger. Mike Pollock and Roger Craig Smith also appear. It's a creator sounding board. Action Henk? Nothing. Nothing at all. Black noise.

aka BonziBuddy
The Disturbing, Evil Monkey!

Action Henk is bullshit.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

I Warned Ya!

So, peeps all over the place are complaining about what Taxman has in store for the cast and stages of the game. Me? A) I don't mind (I hope we get some obscure games in there!) and B) I've warned my readers already. I warned them that Taxman mainly cares about game design. He says the cast are a bit extrataneous. But people didn't read between the lines... What to do? Still buy it. This will show SEGA we want more classic 2D games, and to FIX the errors, not just can the operation.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Reports of Sonic's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

So, about Sonic Mania... They are ACTUALLY going back to his roots after a few false starts, and with the help of Taxman. "But Taxman only cares about physics?" Let's see what he does on his own. The zones shown both look pretty nice.

One is a GHZ remake (THE GHZ, no less!) that features a new mini-boss and goes into a cave, while the other is Studiopolis, which looks like it came out of Skullgirls, complete with dancing Eggmen, references to SEGA lore, and breaking windows! Sonic also has a new move, the Drop Dash. You can also play as Tails and Knuckles again, and I bet that light green streak color means something pink is also present. These look mighty impressive and non-Kirby.  And look at that sprite animation.  Action Henk, you are so dead!

Taxman also has a few other partners in this, like PagodaWest games. PagodaWest previously made the ultra-wacky Major Magnet, but had worked on Sonic 2 HD. Stealth is also in on this one. They could easily make a Sonic game with great aethstetics in addition to gameplay. Meanwhile...

We finally got to see what Sonic Team's doing. The combined Sonic Team has made THIS. Dark tone, an actually angry Sonic, and even though Classic's there, he seems to be playing alongside Sonic as opposed to segregated into 2D. And those huge Egg Robos... he's truly up to no good. No obscure power sources, secondary baddies, or monsters of the week to be seen. 

And F&I didn't really get shit

Thursday, June 16, 2016

What's Worse than Tingle? Imitation Tingle.

I have already mentioned the despised Tingle here, but there exists a much worse problem coming from him. Aonuma knows Americans hate Tingle, so he instead creates many replacement characters for him. The problem is, these replacements don't have Tingle's own charm. Ravio, et all are completely charmless, transparent, annoying sacks of shit.

Tingle seems like a parallel to Link himself, and fits more in Zelda's overall world than the others do. He likes to collect fairies and wears a green tunic. Not like a FUCKING BUNNY SUIT! However, unlike Link, Tingle is a middle-aged cartographer instead of a young hero. Shows a contrast and a counterpart to link. Ravio? Irrelevant. What's he doing in what's supposed to be a LTTP sequel?

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Hey! I think I found why Sean Malstrom wants to off 3D Mario!

It is not that I dislike 3d Mario. I think Mario 64 is a very well crafted game. I just despise having 3d Mario being rammed down my throat in a desperate attempt for it to replace 2d Mario.
-- Sean Malstrom, Purpose of 3DS 

So, Mario started off as THE 2D platformer, beginning life as a unique skill game with a designated ending. This game was a bridge between the endless challenges of arcade games and the ending contests of carnival games.  Donkey Kong Jr. followed suit. Mario spawned a small line of arcade platformers: Wrecking Crew, Donkey Kong 3, and Mario Bros were all made available. Mario was quite recognizable as a 2D platform arcade character, but it was not until 1985 that he was made a global icon.

Super Mario Bros. was perfectly designed, and set Mario in place as a worldwide icon for video games. Everyone knew what Mario was and did. This game sold system after system after system. The Great Giana Sisters were an attempt to ape Mario, and became infamous for it. There were countless other clones. Platformers went on to flourish. Mario had to make a return trip. Japan's attempt was... not good.

It was basically a highly difficult mission-pack for the first game. There were new levels and some new objects and elements, sure, but it felt too close to the first to be anything special. We'd already seen similar things, but they were for specialized purposes: VS., Special, All Night Nippon... This was the "sequel" to SMB1. Japan flunked, and Nintendo of America knew it! Instead, Nintendo took Miyamoto's discarded plan for a new Mario game, which had already materialized as Doki Doki Panic, and decided to build a whole new Mario around it. And it worked!

The Mario TV show combined both Super Mario Bros. games equally for elements. Building a fantastic world was what Mario was about. Super Mario Bros. 3 learned from this. Mario was a flagpost, THE flagpost even!

This main Mario product vanished in 1998 after the failure of SMW2. Mario had no main focus anymore, which was VERY evident in the Gamecube era. The DS brought him back to his prime stomping ground, and he mostly kept there throughout the future. However, these games decayed over time. People noticed this decay, and as Nintendo tried to bridge the gap, they simply hoped 2D would get better, and felt they were forced into 3D. Too bad most 3D games felt the decay as well.

Hence for Mario, the world is flat.  Yet I don't understand why Malstrom changed his tune to thinking 3d is inherently bad.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Go Back to Your Grave, Mr. Lee

Memento Mori? No, this is Capcomland, where nobody dies!

Street Fighter V released artwork of all of the SF1 cast, including several never seen in years. They also revealed where the characters are now. Other companies/franchises should take this pointer. At least the comics reveal where many lost Sonic characters are now... but not all of them (three have cropped up again in STC-O, and apparently at least a few are outright banned from the comic). Mario is really guilty of forgetting good characters. The Paper Mario partners were only referenced in Sticker Star, and also not in the Japanese version. Madame Clairvoya also seems to be gone. Nintendo basically killed Krystal in cold blood and set back Star Fox evolution back to the cartridge days. Bomberman was rather guilty of this as well.

But on the other hand, some characters are just trash and can easily be dropped. Apparently, Ian Flynn can't make the Deadly Six good (let's see Fleetway try, but I hope they succeed), so he shut them all up. However, Capcom left us assuming Lee was dead, but they brought him back to do nothing. This reminds me: Capcom also brought back Charlie, and nullified his sacrifice even more than SEGA did Shadow's. They said his Alpha 2 ending was canon. The one where he's betrayed and shot down. Hence, no sacrifice. Seriously, Charlie and Nash may as well be separate characters at this rate!

If SFV was a "dream match", then I would not be very bothered. But this is canon. And it's set before III. Why do you insist on staying before III? I want to see what happens after III. Lots of people do. Does the timeline end with Streetwise? That game that you erased for being a turd of a GTA ripoff?  Is Captain Commando still canon to the SF Universe? I honestly don't know. Punch-Out is more clearly in the Mario universe than this game (and Rival Schools, but it has been decreed an alternate canon) is in the Street Fighter universe.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Oh, NOW You've Screwed Him Over

Paper Mario is now certainly ruined, and it looks like this one will DESTROY Paper Mario. Even Mario and Luigi has been ruined. Nintendo won't bother to learn from past mistakes unless they cost them dearly. And even then, they will revert. Wind Breaker? Twilight Princess puts things back in order, but not by much, and then the franchise is ruined for real with Skyward Bore: How to Destroy A Character: Part Deux. Dumbass gimmicks in Mario? Move them to Paper Mario! It's not like we have fans over there!  Bad new IP? One good new IP, upon which we fail to capitalize, in a sea of shit! (Nintendo must be idiots for not making a Splatoon TV show or comic series, as Malstrom once pointed out) meanwhile, Nintendo brings a failing niche IP to an end. Rehash Mario? Let them eat cake and make their own!

Mario Maker may herald something dark for Mario in the future. "But this is just zany malstrom talk!" Not exactly. Remember when Mario lost focus in the GameCube era? See how crap like Sticker Star is. We may be heading to that again. And the core product has been damaged with the rehashes. So we might get something far worse. Imagine a Mario on level with Sonic or worse...

This game is so rhebok-piss insanely stupid that the articles about it write themselves.  Really, Nintendo like making insanely inane games. We have all the ingredients: Kersti 1.1, no-shades Koopa enemies, real object attacks, identical Toads, a map... Sticker Shit and Paper Cut at least took effort to suck. This little ditty explains it all:

Some YouTube comment highlights:
Next paper Mario 2024 "paper Mario and the magical playdoh!" 2032 "paper Mario and the evil colored pencil" 2040 "paper Mario toilet paper roll"
- Cebby

Sticker Mario: Sticker Star. Sticker Mario: Color Splash. Don't even call these Paper Mario games. Just don't.
 - ThatMarioGuy1

Paper Mario has officially become Nuts and Bolts.  It forgot what it truly was and is now becoming completely different then what it's supposed to be.  Even if Color Splash is a good game as it's own game it will still fail because it's not a true Paper Mario game judging by everyone's negative backlash.  Paper Mario is an RPG.  Even Super Paper Mario was an RPG but it was done in real time.  Sticker Star and Color Splash to me come off as nothing but mere spinoffs to the Paper Mario series.  Paper Mario 4 is still yet to be released to me.

Color Splash? More like Color Splooge!!!

NINTENDO "We dont want to just a be a game development company that only makes games for fans. We also want to bring new experience to players with innovations! Gimmicks! COlors! New wonderful experiences kids can enjoy! We dont want to be like Sony, Rare, Square Enix, naughty Dog, and Bethesda. No no no, too serious, too hard, too much hard words for kids to read. No No No, we want people to bring smiles, to make you feel like you live in a rainbow land fill with mushrooms and toads. Too much texts is too boring for kids. Kids wants to jump in the fun. Adults can stick with other game development that have real world actions. But WE, love lvoe love kids with colors!!!!!!! No More Gritty style. No more classic RPG style. No more games that weve done soo well in the past. More Yarns. More Colors. More fun experiences. More GIMMICKS!. STICKER STAR 2.0!!!! " Approved by Miyamoto. P.S "I love Disneyworld! Mickey and Minnie do so well with Kids. We want to do the same. If you want Paper Mario RPG Remake in Legend of 7 stars? No No no, too much work, too difficult, kids dont like reading. Ask Square please. "

-Tim W

Meanwhile at Activision...

Nintendo at least entertain via their shenanigans, unlike other companies that are just sad or utterly monstrous (Electronic Arts, Konami (but their mobile Contra looks great), etc). The articles write themselves. These are so hilarious, I guess this is why there is no "Mario Dissected", unless its from that nutcase Malstrom.

Mario's games are becoming consistent in a bad way now: thematically, they are identical. Who can tell the Sprixie Kingdom from the Mushroom Kingdom that much? What was the point of selling that Captain Toad thingy on a disc? Who would want to pay full-price or close to it for that thing? The Wii U is FAR from a sucessful system making the game have even less of a point. Luigi's Mansion benefited nothing from losing the personality-packed Portrait Ghosts in favor of the bland "Possessors" and whatnot. What is wrong with Bowser speaking IN AN RPG? WHO MAKES A WIND WAKER HD THAT DOESN'T FIX ENOUGH OF THE ORIGINAL PROBLEMS TO BE WORTHWHILE?

If Only...

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

One Capcom Meal

Capcom's even thrown it's last lifeline (Street Fighter) down the shitter as well. Oh wait, Shitcom is evolving!

Shitcom evolved into Defecationcom!!!

Defecationcom's SFV is basically the final nail. Why is Charlie Nash alive? At this rate, the only character that's dead-dead is Lee. And no one cares about Lee at all. Why is Claw a motion character? Charge characters are fun. It is not good to kick the rug from under a long-time player. I would have preferred if more new countries brought representatives into the game, like Canada, Australia, and Cuba. There are also glitches everywhere.

Don't you fucking dare imply revision versions, sheep.They said it will all be DLC.

What does all this bullshit imply?

Defecationcom are now commiting suicide. They've killed every last IP as they've come. Mega Man died piece by piece.

I could easily say thou are to blame
Mega Man Legends 3 was a vanity project and I completely understand why it was cancelled. (Disappointed the cliffhanger wasn't resolved) The original Legends games were not successful to begin with due to their lack of connection to older Mega Man games. (Why don't I copy weapons?) They also had an effeminate sort of cuteness that put some consumers off. But Mega Man 10 killed the series.

This was a perfect opportunity to tie into Mega Man X, but they squandered it. Why just eight lousy robot masters? You could easily expand to ten! And the robot masters are utter trash. Sheep Man is hillariously stupid, but the rest are utter BLAH. It's the difference between Teen Titans Go and Sonic Boom, or Ratatoing and The Nut Job. "But there's playable Bass and the Mega Man Killers." Those are extra paid content. People don't really care about the paid extra stuff. They want that content in the box. This demand is because the in-the-box content of Mega Man 10 is so fucking worthless people wouldn't want to plunk down too much to get an improved package. Get the base working well and then we'll discuss DLCs.

A lot of this was foreshadowed in Mega Man 9. There was no workaround the appearing blocks in Plug Man's stage without those dumb boots. MM2 had the Items, which made you feel clever when they were used.  The game felt too much like a parody.

And Mega Man Universe would have sucked hard. Joke shit characters instead of Proto Man and Bass, along with ugly cheap graphics. Really? Megapin? A mascot from Japan nobody seems to care about?

It's as if this freak showed up in an actual Transformers work

So Mega Man 10 is the thing that killed Mega Man. Now that they killed their mascot, Capcom felt they had the right to freely kill IP. Everything was to be sent down the drain. DmC? Mega Man 10. Darkstalkers Ressurection? Mega Man 10. UMvC3? Mega Man 10. Street Fighter X Tekken? Mega Man 10. And now Street Fighter has (hopefully) finally fallen victim, along with Resident Evil.

Konami meanwhile is moving into the gambling sector along with their Children's Card Game. Whatever happened to companies like Sunsoft? And the rest of the world is far from immune to this.  In addition to EA and Activision, there's also the Danish guys who own the late Duke Nukem, Rare, and a bunch of others.

But it seems to me like Defecationcom are finally dying.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

The Mario Post

Yes, a Sonic Blogger discusses Mario. Recently, SA3 Facebook pointed out Mario may be in an even worse state than Sonic, and it's agreed amongst most gamers he's at least starting to slip. Now is the perfect time to chat about poor Mario.

"But sire, isn't Mario doing fine?"

Not anymore. As you can see by this giraffe



Remember the Werehog?

We notice Mario's major releases have had comparative failures strewn in. It is generally agreed that Super Mario Sunshine and Yoshi's Island, the worst sellers, were ruined by an obtrusive gimmick for the entirety of the game. Note the "entirety" part: the gimmicks went on far too long, even when compared to the Werehog of all things. Many have griped about Baby Mario, and others whined about FLUDD. The other major flop shown was about 1 quarter re-hashed, with a few of the good assets of the original dumped.

As we can see on this other graph:

The Kicker....

2D Mario games indeed sell better than 3D ones. This can be blamed on certain consoles selling less than others, but explain the case with SMG and NSMBW. Some fans are indeed put off by the fetch-quest-based nature of 3D Mario, but then there's SM3D. What happened? The 3DS didn't flunk, so...

Maybe people were, dare I say it... BURNT OUT WITH MARIO.


I definitely am. Around the same time, the 2D Mario games had begun to become stale. The last two were very stale indeed. NSMB2 relied on a gimmick to protect from staleness, which failed unless one was Mr. Krabs or Scrooge McDuck. There was also a direct sequel to Super Mario Galaxy. Worse still, there were some really bad sports games, like Mario Tennis Open. MTO did not have Rosalina playable, but there were recolors and generic characters that took a large chunk of the roster.

The sheer number of Mario games in recent years compared to other Nintendo franchises has burnt people out. Not helped by all those shitty franchises Nintendo has made, or the deaths of their more mature franchises, or... whatever happened to Zelda. Not to mention the casualization of Mario and the like. 

This is why Mario Maker is a good thing. It allows players to build whatever Mario experience they want, and even include their own voice. Game Overthinker suggested an expert-level edition with full scripting in the future. Unauthorized ROM hacking and full fangame engines do have it, but they're of dubious legality and are hard to use, hence why official scripting would be better.

And Mario 64, hmph! It's just as flawed as Sonic Adventure, displaying most of the latter's flaws, and exaggerating some to make up for those it lacked. 

Alternate Gameplay

Sonic Adventure's additional characters had multiple styles of play to go with them. Mario 64 had all these random missions rather than just the get to the goal waypoint star or beat the lights out of the boss missions we needed to begin with. Unlike Sonic Adventure, these missions were absolutely necessary, in a way evoking Sonic Ordeal/Lost Cause and onwards. It wasn't till later that fans found a skip.  They were at least tolerable, but looking back, they're bollocks.


The aforementioned skip above, anyone?  There's also a fair share of others.

Terrible Characters

Mario 64 has many terrible characters who rarely or never showed up again. Ukiki,  those stupid rabbits, that cheating penguin, et ecetera. And the recurring cast weren't used well here either. You can only meet Yoshi as a 100% bonus (or via glitch), and you can't even ride the feller. I want to trod about on my dinosaur who eats all that stand in my way to defecate it and make it his weapon, or spit it out as fireball spread-shots and other cool projectiles. Maybe we could get some more things like his hover-jump.

They did rectify this in the DS remake, where you can play as Yoshi on his own, and he has most of those said abilities. Too bad that he still comes off more as the "fat frog making retarded noises" you are subject to in his own games. He's still fun to play, however. And Luigi? Where'd he go? Some said that there was a statue reading "L is real 2041", which really read "Eternal Star", but in reality, he was missing. We did get him in the DS remake, however.

Really, disuse of characters and making terrible characters is a huge problem with Mario. Remember the Honey Queen fiasco? Or Pink Gold Peach? 

What happened to the discovery factor so key to Mario? Before, we were always going somewhere new: the Mushroom Kingdom, Subcon, Sarasaland, the Eight Kingdoms surrounding the Mushroom Kingdom, Dinosaur World, the wonderful magic pictures inside Peach's castle, and fucking SPACE. (Even Sunshine had Delfino Isle, even though the game was shit). This occurred in spin-offs too: each RPG had a new world to explore. 

It is clear Mario suffers from similar symptoms to Sonic: awful stories without immersion, cumbersome gimmicks, horrendous characters, and being too happy-slappy for its own good. The difference is that Mario often succumbed later than Sonic. He might have shaken off some of these as well. The games are only different from Sonic in that they remain solid. ROL was a gas. 

According to Roger Van Der Wiede's Sonic is Dead video, I've positioned Mario at middle-age at the moment. The games have no new environments, instead trying to make old ones, but lacking the charm. There's no sense of adventure anymore. The Sprixie Kingdom seems incredibly lame.  Overall the games blend in many factors, like their story and tone. I can barely tell them apart. And like Sonic, Mario also has some lame fanboys and their pseudo-detractions.

Two words: "3D BOOGEYMAN!"

Considering that Sonic is now officially on its deathbed and only the movie can save it, it will soon be Mario's turn to get dunked on.

You heard me right, soon Mario is going to be bashed.  Mario Sunshine 2.0. Sunshine's defenders won't like it. Maybe they'll get rational and start attacking it and the rehashes of the early 2010s. Mario's gonna fall. Will it be The Mario Cycle or Mario 37+? I hope for both. I hope 3D Mario games are rehashes and 2D become victim to a Mario cycle.

With his fall, will new mascots rise?

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Diving into the Malstrom

Hey, remember this?

Sean Malstrom has gone insane. It is clear as day: he once said they needed to bridge the gap between 2D and 3D Mario, and when they did, he claimed "Nintendo is shoving 3D down our throats" What does he mean? The new Mario games try to bridge the gap, slowly. Galaxy 2, while dull, was still simplified compared to past 3D Mario games, and 3D Land was a total rework, given a breath of greatness with 3D World (which bothered with a new (if uninteresting) setting and multiple playable characters).

Is this a "fuck you"?

The "3D" series changed the many-waypoints gameplay, which was complex and would degenerate to a scavenger-hunt fest if kept unchecked, to a style that was similar to the 2D games (NSMB to be specific). It also put things like ? Blocks into greater focus. There are other things to complain about, like the lack of immersion, but dissimilarity to 2D games SHOVING 3D DOWN OUR THROATS is not one of them. I did clear the whole main campaign of Land. Lost interest in the second campaign, though that is for other reasons (the lack of immersion)

He wanted more acceptable 3D Mario, he got it. Beggars CAN'T BE CHOOSERS. "Help DVDs treat me like an idiot!" They're meant for new fans, and if you don't like the shitty friends and lack of immersion, don't we all hate those traits? "The goalpost is the likable element? Absolutely not! WAAAAH!" Yes it is, and it changes the goal of 3D Mario to be like your precious 2D Mario.  "They're butchering and neglecting 2D Mario!" 3D Mario is suffering all the same with lack of immersion and impact. "When food and poison compromise..."

What the fuck is WRONG With you! There is no 3D boogeyman!
You and your extremist metaphors...

And what's with his hate-boner for 3D Sonic? 3D Sonic actually did do many things right: it was still clearly an action game, and the plots were well-done. Is he riding the bandwagon? That's not something this "reputable source" should do. He needs to sit down and play it for himself. All 3D Sonic games prior to Lost World (Colors does not count, it's 2.5D with some crap 3D sections) featured immersion, action, atmosphere, glitzy sounds, and good graphics. Hey, he does like Descent. Why does he parrot on that one subject? That is where he always falls apart.

Thankfully he seems to agree that this is bullshit, for the most part.

What's really weird about him is that sometimes he seems to get it. However, just after, he gets lost in his own little world once again. Why? Why do you keep babbling about "3D Manifest Destiny?" Isn't it the lack of immersion and badly designed consoles that we have to worry about? For all we know, you're making a "2D Manifest Destiny" yourself. You don't seem to be putting on a funny face, like the Nostalgia Critic (he needs to end already). Your 2D Manifest Destiny is the opposite of your old plan! You were once well-respected, but now you seem to be a madman and troll.  Why is this happening?

Thursday, January 28, 2016

"A Change" by Drakefr6

This is the story that inspired my Iris post.

"Hey everybody this is my first Mega man fic, it just popped into my head after reading a few. If anybody wants to continue this or add to it feel free."

Zero raced through the ship had he been human with a heart it would have been racing, there was only one thing on his mind. Iris. He had just killed her brother the Colonel and couldn't bring himself to feel shame for the act. He was a Maverick and needed to be put down, all of Repliforce did. That thought made him pause, all of them? What about Iris, he asked himself. The female Reploid made him feel something he never felt before. When they were together he was at peace, when she was away he longed for her; her touch, her scent.

Zero shook his head he didn't have time to dwell on it he had Mavericks to kill but something in the back of his mind warned him that something bad was going to happen. Iris had stopped responding some time ago something that added to his anxiety. Before he knew it he came to a large door, he raised his hand ready to press the button to open it and the world froze around him.

"Zero" a voice called.

He stepped away from the door looking around him for the voice, "Show yourself" he demanded. He was greeted with what sounded like a young woman giggling, hearing it next to his ear he turned quickly but nothing was there. "Who are you" he demanded again his tone growing agitated.

"Why Zero, is that anyway to treat a lady" the voice asked and a girl with long blonde hair appearing before him. Zero was so startled he jumped back saber coming to his hand. The blade ignited with a snap hiss and the dull hum echoed in his ears. The woman stared at him unafraid of the glowing green blade, she merely smiled at him.

"You look so much different now than you did" she said sizing him up.

"Who are you" he growled.

"I am Ceil. I am from the Future and I am here to warn you."

Zero cut her off sharply "Warn me of what?" He noted her patient expression and felt his own growing thin. This woman for some reason unnerved and steadied him at the same time, there was a feeling that he should know her but his memory held no record of her.

"The warning I have for you is one of great importance. If you fail to heed it the world will spin out of control plunging everything you and X have worked for into darkness for the rest of Humanities and Reploids existence. It all starts with one thing. The death of Iris."

Zero's circuit's turned to ice, Iris dies he thought frantically. No, it couldn't be she was safe back at the Hunter HQ. But that feeling came back with a vengeance, a cold ball formed in his gut and he knew she was behind that door. He swallowed hard "How… how does she die?" For some reason he felt he knew the answer, as Ceil's eyes took on a solemn sheen.

"You kill her." She slowly padded toward him, "Just after you enter that room she absorbs her brother's Control chip and turns against you." Stopping just in front of him she looked up and smiled sadly. "I can't tell you how bad it is but I can show you" she said before reaching up to touch the crystal on his helmet.

He watch as if in slow motion as she reached up and when her fingers came in contact with it his world spun out of control. Visions of the future filled his mind, battle after battle loosing everyone close to him. X, Axl, Layer, Alia, Ceil, and Iris. He saw hundreds of years pass and nothing changed it was all the same, death and destruction caused by his hand, even though he fought for peace.

He saw himself change, going from the caring Reploid he was now to harder than Titanium. Tears streamed down his face as he saw himself hold Iris's body screaming to the heavens. When she released him he dropped to his hands and knees sobbing, how could this be he wondered. The destruction of the future all started because he killed Iris, all because he killed the woman he loved.

Love? Such a foreign emotion to weapon of war, to a combat Reploid. But yet in the visions she had shown him he had seen himself fall for another and ultimately left her alone all because of his insecurities. A second chance at love wasted all because he didn't want to have to kill another he cared about. Clenching his eyes and gritting his teeth he rose screaming his rage to the heavens.

As his cries died down he faced the sky eyes closed for a long time before he spoke, "Can I change it" he asked softly.

She stepped forward wrapping her arms around his shoulders pressing his head to her chest, "Yes. Zero you can do anything you set your mind to. Any enemy, any task there is nothing that can stop you. Save me, save the future." He felt her lips on his before the weight of them vanished.

The world came into focus and his hand still hovered above that button, what he had seen still haunted his mind. He had to change it, gritting his teeth, he would change it. He set the Z-saber on his back before balling up his fist and destroying the button. The door opened and he rushed inside and sure enough Iris was standing there holding something in her hands and she looked up at him.

His heart broke at her expression, but he steeled himself turning slightly to hide his right hand he activated his Z-Buster. When she raised it he would have to be quick, "Iris, what are you doing here? You should be back on Earth."

She smiled at him, "I couldn't stay away I came trying to save my brother and the rest of Repliforce" tears flowed from her eyes. "But I was too late. You and X had already destroyed them. You killed my brother Zero, why?"

He lowered his head but kept his eyes on her "I'm sorry Iris. I really am, we didn't want to but they left us with no other choice. They were dead set on following Sigma, they couldn't see that you all had been duped by him. But we can put an end to that right here and now, all you have to do is take my hand Iris. We will go home…"

"I can't Zero. I have my brother's control chip and I'm going to fuse with it. I love you Zero" she said as she raised it into the air. Zero's eyes narrowed and set his plan into motion. Just as her arms were on the way up her eyes on it he turned raising his cannon. As they reached the pinnacle his Buster came level with the chip and just before it could start glowing the shot rang out. Iris watched the green plasma ball remove the chip from between her hands, her eyes widening in horror. Zero breathed a sigh of relief before following the blast to where it carried the chip. He kept on eye on Iris just in case she made a move for it, he watched her drop to her knees and start sobbing.

Tearing his eyes away he found himself standing about the chip, "I'm sorry Colonel I really am. If you had only listened to me" he raised his foot and brought it down with a satisfying crunch as the chip was destroyed. He turned to see that Iris hadn't moved, he walked to her stopping in front of her and knelt down. Hooking his finger on her chin he lifted her head up before wiping away the tears. She didn't try to fight him only stared at him silently asking why.

"Iris" he said softly "I love you and I don't think your brother would want you to sacrifice yourself for his memory. I couldn't stand to live in this world without you in it, so no matter what from now on I will protect you." A fresh set of tears escaped from his eyes, her lips part slight as she tried to say something, only he silenced her before she could speak.

Her eyes opened wider as he claimed her mouth with his own, slowly her eyes closed and she returned the kiss wrapping her arms around his neck.


Iris couldn't believe it, he loved her and now he was kissing her. The grief that just had a hold of her began to flee being replaced with great warmth. When he pulled away she stared at him hope in her eyes and he spoke, "I know the grief will never go away but I want to be by your side to share it with you, Iris. I will always be by your side."

She smiled at him before kissing him. He was right the pain would never fully go away but with him she could bear it.


The two currently engaged in kissing never noticed the door opening as a beaten and batter X walked in. He had just fought against the last Maverick in the base and upon seeing the two engaged in a lip lock the Blue Maverick Hunter exploded with massive roar about having to do all the work while Zero got the girl.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Werehog? Where?

You crazy Nintards oblivious to Mario's various Werehogs...

Super Mario World 2 and Sunshine flunked due to cumbersome, badly-designed gimmicks that stole the show. Ask about Baby Mario and FLUDD, please. They clearly ruined their games. Just look at the sales!

Awful Gimmicks Kill, kids.
 Baby Mario irritated the fuck out of players by being a liability. FLUDD, meanwhile, meant we had to clean up shit in a Mario game. Oh, it's "paint" but it's clearly shit. You're cleaning shit and working for unsympathetic weirdos.

Worship the Dusty Turd

Jack that franchise-killing bullshit in HD and fix nought, Big Mario!
The one thing I truly despise about Nintards is the fact they worship absolute garbage years after its release, making it look as if the people have picked up the buffalo piss and have begun to worship it. This happened to Super Mario Sunshine (and rainbows and bubblegum and balloons) and even the "Game that Killed the Cube", Celda: Weed Whacker.

Sailing to nowhere in particular is sure fun. Better than killing monsters, finding hidden caverns, or shopping.
Yes, you heard me right: Nintards worship the Wind Breaker enough for it to get an HD remix that fixed nothing. Why is a company doing this? You can't re-release an awful niche game, slap "HD" on it, and not change the flaws. This is NINTENDO doing this, not just some hack like DDI or RageSquid, nor a villainous company like Konami or EA.  Why would they pull this shit? SMAS was awesome, taking three classics (and one historically-important mission pack) and restoring them for the 16-bit age, and some versions added Super Mario World and revised it. This? It's just taking a sacred bundle of shit, cleaning it off, and selling it for a dozen sixpence.

True story time, everyone.

It's called Too Much Sunshine.
Once, I rented Mario Sunshine from Hollywood Video, as I knew Mario fairly well from Super Mario World and Super Smash Bros. Melee. I wanted to see more of him. At the end of the day, my reaction was: "THIS is your hero, Nintendo? Shame. Shame. No wonder Sonic is better, Mario is just awful. I don't like this boring game. "

That-a didn't help at-a all!
What's the difference between worshipping these two and liking Sonic 06, JP Tresspasser, Daikatana, etc? Because fans of those three games have an urge to fix them, purge them of the flaws that led to their falls. Nintards just worship these turds as-is.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Carrot and Stick

So, Star Fox Zero is doing a carrot-and-stick routine with a fan-favorite. If Zero sells well, they will put Krystal in the next. Too bad it won't work. There are many factors that prevent the carrot-and-stick routine from working.

1) Zelda's insistence on the use of a stick. Hyrule Warriors was the fucking awesome Zelda we've wanted since 2007, and then Koei decides to add Tingle as DLC. "Pay 5 dollars to get hit on the head with a stick". The 3DS version adds a lot of Weed Whacker/Wind Breaker/Wand Wacker/whatever content. "The handheld version can hit you with a stick if it so chooses." Some imbeciles don't mind getting hit on the head with a stick, which makes things worse. As Zelda insists on using the stick, why would Star Fox bother with a carrot?

2) Star Fox is dead to Nintendo. The only reason they push out games for it, Metroid, F-Zero (trust me, they WILL bring it out to ruin it), or even Fire Emblem, is to satiate casual fans. Miyamoto is heralding a "safe era" of child-friendly games. Compare the original DKC games to DKCR (or even DK64, for that matter), for one. Nintendo seem head-on with wanting to dispose of the non-kiddy franchises.

3) Some imbeciles seem to not want a carrot. Krystal is good for you! She likes you! Why do you bash her? Worse yet are the MONSTERS who fucking worship Tingle (Nintendo's Barney). They want to be beaten with a stick until the franchise is beaten to death.

4) There's too many flaws in the game to begin with for the carrot to work.

It would have worked better if she were a pre-order bonus or accessible via an Amiibo, instead of just held on for the next (which is unlikely to happen). Instant gratification = happy customers.