Sunday, January 31, 2016

Diving into the Malstrom

Hey, remember this?

Sean Malstrom has gone insane. It is clear as day: he once said they needed to bridge the gap between 2D and 3D Mario, and when they did, he claimed "Nintendo is shoving 3D down our throats" What does he mean? The new Mario games try to bridge the gap, slowly. Galaxy 2, while dull, was still simplified compared to past 3D Mario games, and 3D Land was a total rework, given a breath of greatness with 3D World (which bothered with a new (if uninteresting) setting and multiple playable characters).

Is this a "fuck you"?

The "3D" series changed the many-waypoints gameplay, which was complex and would degenerate to a scavenger-hunt fest if kept unchecked, to a style that was similar to the 2D games (NSMB to be specific). It also put things like ? Blocks into greater focus. There are other things to complain about, like the lack of immersion, but dissimilarity to 2D games SHOVING 3D DOWN OUR THROATS is not one of them. I did clear the whole main campaign of Land. Lost interest in the second campaign, though that is for other reasons (the lack of immersion)

He wanted more acceptable 3D Mario, he got it. Beggars CAN'T BE CHOOSERS. "Help DVDs treat me like an idiot!" They're meant for new fans, and if you don't like the shitty friends and lack of immersion, don't we all hate those traits? "The goalpost is the likable element? Absolutely not! WAAAAH!" Yes it is, and it changes the goal of 3D Mario to be like your precious 2D Mario.  "They're butchering and neglecting 2D Mario!" 3D Mario is suffering all the same with lack of immersion and impact. "When food and poison compromise..."

What the fuck is WRONG With you! There is no 3D boogeyman!
You and your extremist metaphors...

And what's with his hate-boner for 3D Sonic? 3D Sonic actually did do many things right: it was still clearly an action game, and the plots were well-done. Is he riding the bandwagon? That's not something this "reputable source" should do. He needs to sit down and play it for himself. All 3D Sonic games prior to Lost World (Colors does not count, it's 2.5D with some crap 3D sections) featured immersion, action, atmosphere, glitzy sounds, and good graphics. Hey, he does like Descent. Why does he parrot on that one subject? That is where he always falls apart.

Thankfully he seems to agree that this is bullshit, for the most part.

What's really weird about him is that sometimes he seems to get it. However, just after, he gets lost in his own little world once again. Why? Why do you keep babbling about "3D Manifest Destiny?" Isn't it the lack of immersion and badly designed consoles that we have to worry about? For all we know, you're making a "2D Manifest Destiny" yourself. You don't seem to be putting on a funny face, like the Nostalgia Critic (he needs to end already). Your 2D Manifest Destiny is the opposite of your old plan! You were once well-respected, but now you seem to be a madman and troll.  Why is this happening?

Thursday, January 28, 2016

"A Change" by Drakefr6

This is the story that inspired my Iris post.

"Hey everybody this is my first Mega man fic, it just popped into my head after reading a few. If anybody wants to continue this or add to it feel free."

Zero raced through the ship had he been human with a heart it would have been racing, there was only one thing on his mind. Iris. He had just killed her brother the Colonel and couldn't bring himself to feel shame for the act. He was a Maverick and needed to be put down, all of Repliforce did. That thought made him pause, all of them? What about Iris, he asked himself. The female Reploid made him feel something he never felt before. When they were together he was at peace, when she was away he longed for her; her touch, her scent.

Zero shook his head he didn't have time to dwell on it he had Mavericks to kill but something in the back of his mind warned him that something bad was going to happen. Iris had stopped responding some time ago something that added to his anxiety. Before he knew it he came to a large door, he raised his hand ready to press the button to open it and the world froze around him.

"Zero" a voice called.

He stepped away from the door looking around him for the voice, "Show yourself" he demanded. He was greeted with what sounded like a young woman giggling, hearing it next to his ear he turned quickly but nothing was there. "Who are you" he demanded again his tone growing agitated.

"Why Zero, is that anyway to treat a lady" the voice asked and a girl with long blonde hair appearing before him. Zero was so startled he jumped back saber coming to his hand. The blade ignited with a snap hiss and the dull hum echoed in his ears. The woman stared at him unafraid of the glowing green blade, she merely smiled at him.

"You look so much different now than you did" she said sizing him up.

"Who are you" he growled.

"I am Ceil. I am from the Future and I am here to warn you."

Zero cut her off sharply "Warn me of what?" He noted her patient expression and felt his own growing thin. This woman for some reason unnerved and steadied him at the same time, there was a feeling that he should know her but his memory held no record of her.

"The warning I have for you is one of great importance. If you fail to heed it the world will spin out of control plunging everything you and X have worked for into darkness for the rest of Humanities and Reploids existence. It all starts with one thing. The death of Iris."

Zero's circuit's turned to ice, Iris dies he thought frantically. No, it couldn't be she was safe back at the Hunter HQ. But that feeling came back with a vengeance, a cold ball formed in his gut and he knew she was behind that door. He swallowed hard "How… how does she die?" For some reason he felt he knew the answer, as Ceil's eyes took on a solemn sheen.

"You kill her." She slowly padded toward him, "Just after you enter that room she absorbs her brother's Control chip and turns against you." Stopping just in front of him she looked up and smiled sadly. "I can't tell you how bad it is but I can show you" she said before reaching up to touch the crystal on his helmet.

He watch as if in slow motion as she reached up and when her fingers came in contact with it his world spun out of control. Visions of the future filled his mind, battle after battle loosing everyone close to him. X, Axl, Layer, Alia, Ceil, and Iris. He saw hundreds of years pass and nothing changed it was all the same, death and destruction caused by his hand, even though he fought for peace.

He saw himself change, going from the caring Reploid he was now to harder than Titanium. Tears streamed down his face as he saw himself hold Iris's body screaming to the heavens. When she released him he dropped to his hands and knees sobbing, how could this be he wondered. The destruction of the future all started because he killed Iris, all because he killed the woman he loved.

Love? Such a foreign emotion to weapon of war, to a combat Reploid. But yet in the visions she had shown him he had seen himself fall for another and ultimately left her alone all because of his insecurities. A second chance at love wasted all because he didn't want to have to kill another he cared about. Clenching his eyes and gritting his teeth he rose screaming his rage to the heavens.

As his cries died down he faced the sky eyes closed for a long time before he spoke, "Can I change it" he asked softly.

She stepped forward wrapping her arms around his shoulders pressing his head to her chest, "Yes. Zero you can do anything you set your mind to. Any enemy, any task there is nothing that can stop you. Save me, save the future." He felt her lips on his before the weight of them vanished.

The world came into focus and his hand still hovered above that button, what he had seen still haunted his mind. He had to change it, gritting his teeth, he would change it. He set the Z-saber on his back before balling up his fist and destroying the button. The door opened and he rushed inside and sure enough Iris was standing there holding something in her hands and she looked up at him.

His heart broke at her expression, but he steeled himself turning slightly to hide his right hand he activated his Z-Buster. When she raised it he would have to be quick, "Iris, what are you doing here? You should be back on Earth."

She smiled at him, "I couldn't stay away I came trying to save my brother and the rest of Repliforce" tears flowed from her eyes. "But I was too late. You and X had already destroyed them. You killed my brother Zero, why?"

He lowered his head but kept his eyes on her "I'm sorry Iris. I really am, we didn't want to but they left us with no other choice. They were dead set on following Sigma, they couldn't see that you all had been duped by him. But we can put an end to that right here and now, all you have to do is take my hand Iris. We will go home…"

"I can't Zero. I have my brother's control chip and I'm going to fuse with it. I love you Zero" she said as she raised it into the air. Zero's eyes narrowed and set his plan into motion. Just as her arms were on the way up her eyes on it he turned raising his cannon. As they reached the pinnacle his Buster came level with the chip and just before it could start glowing the shot rang out. Iris watched the green plasma ball remove the chip from between her hands, her eyes widening in horror. Zero breathed a sigh of relief before following the blast to where it carried the chip. He kept on eye on Iris just in case she made a move for it, he watched her drop to her knees and start sobbing.

Tearing his eyes away he found himself standing about the chip, "I'm sorry Colonel I really am. If you had only listened to me" he raised his foot and brought it down with a satisfying crunch as the chip was destroyed. He turned to see that Iris hadn't moved, he walked to her stopping in front of her and knelt down. Hooking his finger on her chin he lifted her head up before wiping away the tears. She didn't try to fight him only stared at him silently asking why.

"Iris" he said softly "I love you and I don't think your brother would want you to sacrifice yourself for his memory. I couldn't stand to live in this world without you in it, so no matter what from now on I will protect you." A fresh set of tears escaped from his eyes, her lips part slight as she tried to say something, only he silenced her before she could speak.

Her eyes opened wider as he claimed her mouth with his own, slowly her eyes closed and she returned the kiss wrapping her arms around his neck.


Iris couldn't believe it, he loved her and now he was kissing her. The grief that just had a hold of her began to flee being replaced with great warmth. When he pulled away she stared at him hope in her eyes and he spoke, "I know the grief will never go away but I want to be by your side to share it with you, Iris. I will always be by your side."

She smiled at him before kissing him. He was right the pain would never fully go away but with him she could bear it.


The two currently engaged in kissing never noticed the door opening as a beaten and batter X walked in. He had just fought against the last Maverick in the base and upon seeing the two engaged in a lip lock the Blue Maverick Hunter exploded with massive roar about having to do all the work while Zero got the girl.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Werehog? Where?

You crazy Nintards oblivious to Mario's various Werehogs...

Super Mario World 2 and Sunshine flunked due to cumbersome, badly-designed gimmicks that stole the show. Ask about Baby Mario and FLUDD, please. They clearly ruined their games. Just look at the sales!

Awful Gimmicks Kill, kids.
 Baby Mario irritated the fuck out of players by being a liability. FLUDD, meanwhile, meant we had to clean up shit in a Mario game. Oh, it's "paint" but it's clearly shit. You're cleaning shit and working for unsympathetic weirdos.

Worship the Dusty Turd

Jack that franchise-killing bullshit in HD and fix nought, Big Mario!
The one thing I truly despise about Nintards is the fact they worship absolute garbage years after its release, making it look as if the people have picked up the buffalo piss and have begun to worship it. This happened to Super Mario Sunshine (and rainbows and bubblegum and balloons) and even the "Game that Killed the Cube", Celda: Weed Whacker.

Sailing to nowhere in particular is sure fun. Better than killing monsters, finding hidden caverns, or shopping.
Yes, you heard me right: Nintards worship the Wind Breaker enough for it to get an HD remix that fixed nothing. Why is a company doing this? You can't re-release an awful niche game, slap "HD" on it, and not change the flaws. This is NINTENDO doing this, not just some hack like DDI or RageSquid, nor a villainous company like Konami or EA.  Why would they pull this shit? SMAS was awesome, taking three classics (and one historically-important mission pack) and restoring them for the 16-bit age, and some versions added Super Mario World and revised it. This? It's just taking a sacred bundle of shit, cleaning it off, and selling it for a dozen sixpence.

True story time, everyone.

It's called Too Much Sunshine.
Once, I rented Mario Sunshine from Hollywood Video, as I knew Mario fairly well from Super Mario World and Super Smash Bros. Melee. I wanted to see more of him. At the end of the day, my reaction was: "THIS is your hero, Nintendo? Shame. Shame. No wonder Sonic is better, Mario is just awful. I don't like this boring game. "

That-a didn't help at-a all!
What's the difference between worshipping these two and liking Sonic 06, JP Tresspasser, Daikatana, etc? Because fans of those three games have an urge to fix them, purge them of the flaws that led to their falls. Nintards just worship these turds as-is.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Carrot and Stick

So, Star Fox Zero is doing a carrot-and-stick routine with a fan-favorite. If Zero sells well, they will put Krystal in the next. Too bad it won't work. There are many factors that prevent the carrot-and-stick routine from working.

1) Zelda's insistence on the use of a stick. Hyrule Warriors was the fucking awesome Zelda we've wanted since 2007, and then Koei decides to add Tingle as DLC. "Pay 5 dollars to get hit on the head with a stick". The 3DS version adds a lot of Weed Whacker/Wind Breaker/Wand Wacker/whatever content. "The handheld version can hit you with a stick if it so chooses." Some imbeciles don't mind getting hit on the head with a stick, which makes things worse. As Zelda insists on using the stick, why would Star Fox bother with a carrot?

2) Star Fox is dead to Nintendo. The only reason they push out games for it, Metroid, F-Zero (trust me, they WILL bring it out to ruin it), or even Fire Emblem, is to satiate casual fans. Miyamoto is heralding a "safe era" of child-friendly games. Compare the original DKC games to DKCR (or even DK64, for that matter), for one. Nintendo seem head-on with wanting to dispose of the non-kiddy franchises.

3) Some imbeciles seem to not want a carrot. Krystal is good for you! She likes you! Why do you bash her? Worse yet are the MONSTERS who fucking worship Tingle (Nintendo's Barney). They want to be beaten with a stick until the franchise is beaten to death.

4) There's too many flaws in the game to begin with for the carrot to work.

It would have worked better if she were a pre-order bonus or accessible via an Amiibo, instead of just held on for the next (which is unlikely to happen). Instant gratification = happy customers.