I Warned Ya!

So, peeps all over the place are complaining about what Taxman has in store for the cast and stages of the game. Me? A) I don't mind (I hope we get some obscure games in there!) and B) I've warned my readers already. I warned them that Taxman mainly cares about game design. He says the cast are a bit extrataneous. But people didn't read between the lines... What to do? Still buy it. This will show SEGA we want more classic 2D games, and to FIX the errors, not just can the operation.

Reports of Sonic's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

So, about Sonic Mania... They are ACTUALLY going back to his roots after a few false starts, and with the help of Taxman. "But Taxman only cares about physics?" Let's see what he does on his own. The zones shown both look pretty nice.

One is a GHZ remake (THE GHZ, no less!) that features a new mini-boss and goes into a cave, while the other is Studiopolis, which looks like it came out of Skullgirls, complete with dancing Eggmen, references to SEGA lore, and breaking windows! Sonic also has a new move, the Drop Dash. You can also play as Tails and Knuckles again, and I bet that light green streak color means something pink is also present. These look mighty impressive and non-Kirby.  And look at that sprite animation.  Action Henk, you are so dead!

Taxman also has a few other partners in this, like PagodaWest games. PagodaWest previously made the ultra-wacky Major Magnet, but had worked on Sonic 2 HD. Stealth is also in on this one. They could easily make a Sonic game with great aethstetics in addition to gameplay. Meanwhile...

We finally got to see what Sonic Team's doing. The combined Sonic Team has made THIS. Dark tone, an actually angry Sonic, and even though Classic's there, he seems to be playing alongside Sonic as opposed to segregated into 2D. And those huge Egg Robos... he's truly up to no good. No obscure power sources, secondary baddies, or monsters of the week to be seen. 




And F&I didn't really get shit

What's Worse than Tingle? Imitation Tingle.

I have already mentioned the despised Tingle here, but there exists a much worse problem coming from him. Aonuma knows Americans hate Tingle, so he instead creates many replacement characters for him. The problem is, these replacements don't have Tingle's own charm. Ravio, et all are completely charmless, transparent, annoying sacks of shit.

Tingle seems like a parallel to Link himself, and fits more in Zelda's overall world than the others do. He likes to collect fairies and wears a green tunic. Not like a FUCKING BUNNY SUIT! However, unlike Link, Tingle is a middle-aged cartographer instead of a young hero. Shows a contrast and a counterpart to link. Ravio? Irrelevant. What's he doing in what's supposed to be a LTTP sequel?

Hey! I think I found why Sean Malstrom wants to off 3D Mario!

It is not that I dislike 3d Mario. I think Mario 64 is a very well crafted game. I just despise having 3d Mario being rammed down my throat in a desperate attempt for it to replace 2d Mario.
-- Sean Malstrom, Purpose of 3DS 

So, Mario started off as THE 2D platformer, beginning life as a unique skill game with a designated ending. This game was a bridge between the endless challenges of arcade games and the ending contests of carnival games.  Donkey Kong Jr. followed suit. Mario spawned a small line of arcade platformers: Wrecking Crew, Donkey Kong 3, and Mario Bros were all made available. Mario was quite recognizable as a 2D platform arcade character, but it was not until 1985 that he was made a global icon.

Super Mario Bros. was perfectly designed, and set Mario in place as a worldwide icon for video games. Everyone knew what Mario was and did. This game sold system after system after system. The Great Giana Sisters were an attempt to ape Mario, and became infamous for it. There were countless other clones. Platformers went on to flourish. Mario had to make a return trip. Japan's attempt was... not good.

It was basically a highly difficult mission-pack for the first game. There were new levels and some new objects and elements, sure, but it felt too close to the first to be anything special. We'd already seen similar things, but they were for specialized purposes: VS., Special, All Night Nippon... This was the "sequel" to SMB1. Japan flunked, and Nintendo of America knew it! Instead, Nintendo took Miyamoto's discarded plan for a new Mario game, which had already materialized as Doki Doki Panic, and decided to build a whole new Mario around it. And it worked!

The Mario TV show combined both Super Mario Bros. games equally for elements. Building a fantastic world was what Mario was about. Super Mario Bros. 3 learned from this. Mario was a flagpost, THE flagpost even!

This main Mario product vanished in 1998 after the failure of SMW2. Mario had no main focus anymore, which was VERY evident in the Gamecube era. The DS brought him back to his prime stomping ground, and he mostly kept there throughout the future. However, these games decayed over time. People noticed this decay, and as Nintendo tried to bridge the gap, they simply hoped 2D would get better, and felt they were forced into 3D. Too bad most 3D games felt the decay as well.

Hence for Mario, the world is flat.  Yet I don't understand why Malstrom changed his tune to thinking 3d is inherently bad.

Go Back to Your Grave, Mr. Lee

Memento Mori? No, this is Capcomland, where nobody dies!

Street Fighter V released artwork of all of the SF1 cast, including several never seen in years. They also revealed where the characters are now. Other companies/franchises should take this pointer. At least the comics reveal where many lost Sonic characters are now... but not all of them (three have cropped up again in STC-O, and apparently at least a few are outright banned from the comic). Mario is really guilty of forgetting good characters. The Paper Mario partners were only referenced in Sticker Star, and also not in the Japanese version. Madame Clairvoya also seems to be gone. Nintendo basically killed Krystal in cold blood and set back Star Fox evolution back to the cartridge days. Bomberman was rather guilty of this as well.

But on the other hand, some characters are just trash and can easily be dropped. Apparently, Ian Flynn can't make the Deadly Six good (let's see Fleetway try, but I hope they succeed), so he shut them all up. However, Capcom left us assuming Lee was dead, but they brought him back to do nothing. This reminds me: Capcom also brought back Charlie, and nullified his sacrifice even more than SEGA did Shadow's. They said his Alpha 2 ending was canon. The one where he's betrayed and shot down. Hence, no sacrifice. Seriously, Charlie and Nash may as well be separate characters at this rate!

If SFV was a "dream match", then I would not be very bothered. But this is canon. And it's set before III. Why do you insist on staying before III? I want to see what happens after III. Lots of people do. Does the timeline end with Streetwise? That game that you erased for being a turd of a GTA ripoff?  Is Captain Commando still canon to the SF Universe? I honestly don't know. Punch-Out is more clearly in the Mario universe than this game (and Rival Schools, but it has been decreed an alternate canon) is in the Street Fighter universe.

Oh, NOW You've Screwed Him Over

Paper Mario is now certainly ruined, and it looks like this one will DESTROY Paper Mario. Even Mario and Luigi has been ruined. Nintendo won't bother to learn from past mistakes unless they cost them dearly. And even then, they will revert. Wind Breaker? Twilight Princess puts things back in order, but not by much, and then the franchise is ruined for real with Skyward Bore: How to Destroy A Character: Part Deux. Dumbass gimmicks in Mario? Move them to Paper Mario! It's not like we have fans over there!  Bad new IP? One good new IP, upon which we fail to capitalize, in a sea of shit! (Nintendo must be idiots for not making a Splatoon TV show or comic series, as Malstrom once pointed out) meanwhile, Nintendo brings a failing niche IP to an end. Rehash Mario? Let them eat cake and make their own!

Mario Maker may herald something dark for Mario in the future. "But this is just zany malstrom talk!" Not exactly. Remember when Mario lost focus in the GameCube era? See how crap like Sticker Star is. We may be heading to that again. And the core product has been damaged with the rehashes. So we might get something far worse. Imagine a Mario on level with Sonic or worse...

This game is so rhebok-piss insanely stupid that the articles about it write themselves.  Really, Nintendo like making insanely inane games. We have all the ingredients: Kersti 1.1, no-shades Koopa enemies, real object attacks, identical Toads, a map... Sticker Shit and Paper Cut at least took effort to suck. This little ditty explains it all:

Some YouTube comment highlights:
Next paper Mario 2024 "paper Mario and the magical playdoh!" 2032 "paper Mario and the evil colored pencil" 2040 "paper Mario toilet paper roll"
- Cebby

Sticker Mario: Sticker Star. Sticker Mario: Color Splash. Don't even call these Paper Mario games. Just don't.

 - ThatMarioGuy1

Paper Mario has officially become Nuts and Bolts.  It forgot what it truly was and is now becoming completely different then what it's supposed to be.  Even if Color Splash is a good game as it's own game it will still fail because it's not a true Paper Mario game judging by everyone's negative backlash.  Paper Mario is an RPG.  Even Super Paper Mario was an RPG but it was done in real time.  Sticker Star and Color Splash to me come off as nothing but mere spinoffs to the Paper Mario series.  Paper Mario 4 is still yet to be released to me.
-Jmario232

Color Splash? More like Color Splooge!!!
-Travodo

NINTENDO "We dont want to just a be a game development company that only makes games for fans. We also want to bring new experience to players with innovations! Gimmicks! COlors! New wonderful experiences kids can enjoy! We dont want to be like Sony, Rare, Square Enix, naughty Dog, and Bethesda. No no no, too serious, too hard, too much hard words for kids to read. No No No, we want people to bring smiles, to make you feel like you live in a rainbow land fill with mushrooms and toads. Too much texts is too boring for kids. Kids wants to jump in the fun. Adults can stick with other game development that have real world actions. But WE, love lvoe love kids with colors!!!!!!! No More Gritty style. No more classic RPG style. No more games that weve done soo well in the past. More Yarns. More Colors. More fun experiences. More GIMMICKS!. STICKER STAR 2.0!!!! " Approved by Miyamoto. P.S "I love Disneyworld! Mickey and Minnie do so well with Kids. We want to do the same. If you want Paper Mario RPG Remake in Legend of 7 stars? No No no, too much work, too difficult, kids dont like reading. Ask Square please. "

-Tim W

Meanwhile at Activision...

Nintendo at least entertain via their shenanigans, unlike other companies that are just sad or utterly monstrous (Electronic Arts, Konami (but their mobile Contra looks great), etc). The articles write themselves. These are so hilarious, I guess this is why there is no "Mario Dissected", unless its from that nutcase Malstrom.

Mario's games are becoming consistent in a bad way now: thematically, they are identical. Who can tell the Sprixie Kingdom from the Mushroom Kingdom that much? What was the point of selling that Captain Toad thingy on a disc? Who would want to pay full-price or close to it for that thing? The Wii U is FAR from a sucessful system making the game have even less of a point. Luigi's Mansion benefited nothing from losing the personality-packed Portrait Ghosts in favor of the bland "Possessors" and whatnot. What is wrong with Bowser speaking IN AN RPG? WHO MAKES A WIND WAKER HD THAT DOESN'T FIX ENOUGH OF THE ORIGINAL PROBLEMS TO BE WORTHWHILE?

If Only...

One Capcom Meal

Capcom's even thrown it's last lifeline (Street Fighter) down the shitter as well. Oh wait, Shitcom is evolving!

Shitcom evolved into Defecationcom!!!

Defecationcom's SFV is basically the final nail. Why is Charlie Nash alive? At this rate, the only character that's dead-dead is Lee. And no one cares about Lee at all. Why is Claw a motion character? Charge characters are fun. It is not good to kick the rug from under a long-time player. I would have preferred if more new countries brought representatives into the game, like Canada, Australia, and Cuba. There are also glitches everywhere.

Don't you fucking dare imply revision versions, sheep.They said it will all be DLC.

What does all this bullshit imply?



Defecationcom are now commiting suicide. They've killed every last IP as they've come. Mega Man died piece by piece.

I could easily say thou are to blame

Mega Man Legends 3 was a vanity project and I completely understand why it was cancelled. (Disappointed the cliffhanger wasn't resolved) The original Legends games were not successful to begin with due to their lack of connection to older Mega Man games. (Why don't I copy weapons?) They also had an effeminate sort of cuteness that put some consumers off. But Mega Man 10 killed the series.

This was a perfect opportunity to tie into Mega Man X, but they squandered it. Why just eight lousy robot masters? You could easily expand to ten! And the robot masters are utter trash. Sheep Man is hillariously stupid, but the rest are utter BLAH. It's the difference between Teen Titans Go and Sonic Boom, or Ratatoing and The Nut Job. "But there's playable Bass and the Mega Man Killers." Those are extra paid content. People don't really care about the paid extra stuff. They want that content in the box. This demand is because the in-the-box content of Mega Man 10 is so fucking worthless people wouldn't want to plunk down too much to get an improved package. Get the base working well and then we'll discuss DLCs.

A lot of this was foreshadowed in Mega Man 9. There was no workaround the appearing blocks in Plug Man's stage without those dumb boots. MM2 had the Items, which made you feel clever when they were used.  The game felt too much like a parody.

And Mega Man Universe would have sucked hard. Joke shit characters instead of Proto Man and Bass, along with ugly cheap graphics. Really? Megapin? A mascot from Japan nobody seems to care about?

It's as if this freak showed up in an actual Transformers work

So Mega Man 10 is the thing that killed Mega Man. Now that they killed their mascot, Capcom felt they had the right to freely kill IP. Everything was to be sent down the drain. DmC? Mega Man 10. Darkstalkers Ressurection? Mega Man 10. UMvC3? Mega Man 10. Street Fighter X Tekken? Mega Man 10. And now Street Fighter has (hopefully) finally fallen victim, along with Resident Evil.

Konami meanwhile is moving into the gambling sector along with their Children's Card Game. Whatever happened to companies like Sunsoft? And the rest of the world is far from immune to this.  In addition to EA and Activision, there's also the Danish guys who own the late Duke Nukem, Rare, and a bunch of others.

But it seems to me like Defecationcom are finally dying.